believer
Most people that know me see me as a believer (a Christian). I go to
church most Sundays, counseled kids at a bible camp this summer and
attended an event two weeks ago in Calgary called “Survival of the Weakest: Justice, Mercy & the Local Church.”
But, in a lot of ways, despite my effort and good intentions, most days I am more of an unbeliever than a believer.
I lack faith in a huge way.
I struggle with the big questions; the biggest of which is: does God actually love us (me)?
This is a big question. If I could believe this on a daily basis, then I would find contentment, would I not? If God loves me it changes everything.
It would mean that where I am today has purpose; that my current 8-5 life in a small town, where I feel like a minnow stuck in jello, has purpose. And, more importantly, that God hasn't and will not forget about me.
If I believed God loved me then I would love others better. Maybe I would spend less time thinking about how my life isn't going where I want it to and perhaps I would become less short-sighted and see the people around me and would quit thinking about my comfort.
Maybe I would love my job (or I would find more joy in it).
Once, not long ago, I had a vibrant faith.
I lived to love Jesus and to love other people. I wanted to meet people and hear their stories and buy strangers meals and make an impact in the world.
It was the best time of my life when I was an on fire, excited follower of Jesus.
I hope I can call myself a believer again, soon.
But, in a lot of ways, despite my effort and good intentions, most days I am more of an unbeliever than a believer.
I lack faith in a huge way.
I struggle with the big questions; the biggest of which is: does God actually love us (me)?
This is a big question. If I could believe this on a daily basis, then I would find contentment, would I not? If God loves me it changes everything.
It would mean that where I am today has purpose; that my current 8-5 life in a small town, where I feel like a minnow stuck in jello, has purpose. And, more importantly, that God hasn't and will not forget about me.
If I believed God loved me then I would love others better. Maybe I would spend less time thinking about how my life isn't going where I want it to and perhaps I would become less short-sighted and see the people around me and would quit thinking about my comfort.
Maybe I would love my job (or I would find more joy in it).
Once, not long ago, I had a vibrant faith.
I lived to love Jesus and to love other people. I wanted to meet people and hear their stories and buy strangers meals and make an impact in the world.
It was the best time of my life when I was an on fire, excited follower of Jesus.
I hope I can call myself a believer again, soon.
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