Tension

Copyright 2009 by Nordreisender.

There is no point in my life where I am more miserable than between 7:30 am and 8:30 am. I just feel like junk.

The rest of the day is usually quite a bit better. Though, I'm not awake until I get a cup of coffee or two in me.
If I'm lucky, my energy level will be at 100% around 11 am. In fact, I'll even be wired for a bit.

On a good day, I won't fade till 3:30. On a bad day, I'd say by 1:30 I am feeling as blasé as a francais politician. 

Okay.  Blasé wasn't the right word. I'm more like a deer in headlights; loopy as heck. So, I go for a walk. I give my head a shake, maybe check Facebook (so help me God!). Then I push through. 

As I drive home at the end of the day, I crave my couch. I don't have any desire to be social. I want to read a book for pleasure. I want to do things on my own time. I've been wondering if this overwhelmingly selfish desire to unwind is borderline depression. 

I don't think it is. I don't get very down, but I am unsatisfied.

I know my life is great compared to most people but I still have an underlying anxiety Monday to Friday and when I'm  in a busy room where I know no one. 

But I rarely get overwhelmed anymore.

I love meeting interesting people but I find it a lot easier to spend time alone. I never seem to get enough time to connect with the unanswered questions of my heart. 

I need more days where I slowly roll out of bed at 10, make coffee and breakfast for myself and simply soak in the sun that beams through the window.

I love natural light.

But I'm single, so I'm supposed to be social and go places to meet people. 

But in my heart, I'm tired of it--really tired of it.

I'd like to avoid the self-involved people and the girls that think they are out of my league. 

I love genuine friends and my beautiful parents and I have a heart for those people that pace back and forth because they are nervous or the ones who struggle to make eye contact.

I hate bullshit. Sorry, mom. It's actually a useful word, though.

Selfies are bullshit.

Kevin O'leary spews bullshit.

Walmart is bullshit.

Looking in the mirror and thinking you are ugly is bullshit.

Man buns are often bullshit.
Florescent lighting is bullshit.
Corporations lobbying the government is....
Cell phone companies are....
Air brushing is...
The american dream is....
Giving up is bullshit.

Sorry, mom, no more cussing.

Jealousy is the most whacked out emotion.  

No matter how good someone's life looks from the outside, it still has it's struggle. You may want what they have because you don't have it, but you probably don't want their struggle and pain that goes along with it.

You can't have it all. 

Don't be selfish.

Stop drinking Coke. Start drinking a glass of wine every night. 

Play tennis. Be honest with someone about your struggle and eat your vegetables. 

Be thankful if you are able to cry and be grateful if the tears don't come.

Live in the tension between, "I'M SO BLESSED!" and "WHAT IS MY CALLING?"

Just don't give up.